Maybe I’m a big fan of the “13 reasons why” series but seriously, I also have 13 reasons why I left. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up as a dabawenyo and I will always be. There is no other city like Davao where I found peace and happiness.
So why I left?
Exploration. There are much more in life but we only have limited time. Life doesn’t end in one place, I am too young to settle and even if I’m old, I will still explore the other side of horizon.
Dreams. Not the goals in life but the rare series of nightmares and sweet dreams I have during the last quarter of 2016. I saw new places, bigger buildings, etc. I saw new circle of friends, new room, new tragedy. Those are the signs I’m leaving.
My potential. I have a good job in Davao but the rate is far too different from what a designer should have. Though I know that it is based on the Philippine Provincial rates so I wanted to try working in much more competitive city like Manila. So I started in that idea of allowing my potential to grow.
Friends, lots of circles. I love my friends but somehow, it is hard for me living and budgeting for myself while trying to maintain the contact and social life with friends. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that, mistakes only do happen when you still go out with them even if you know that you don’t have enough to spend. So in order to escape from saying NO and saving our friendship at least, I need to have a bigger reason, then I left. We still have the connection anyways. Of course.
Being Alone. I’m the type of person who rather sleep alone in the cave than searching for help in the woods. There is nothing wrong being alone, in fact, it gives me more power over myself. So leaving places to place is really not a problem.
Stressed Out. I know it is my fault why it is hard for me to say NO. The ending, I am always stressed and unproductive. I spend most of my time doing the things I can’t benefit from. I was swallowed with favors and not saying NO is the biggest damage I made with myself.
My alma mater. Honestly, I am still in the process of forgiving them because of that issue. I am still thankful because they are the ones who helped me unleash my talents. It is just so painful when the discrimination arise right at the end.
Uprising in Davao. Yes indeed, Davao is a safe city. However, clean colors where shattered little by little when Mayor Duterte became the 16th President of the Philippines. Davao is the target of the anti-DU and somehow, living there were changed. Attacks happen and very traumatizing especially to what happen in Roxas Night Market.
Family. That’s right, they are part of the reasons. I don’t need to prove them what I can do in my life, I’m done and tired of proving myself. But it is not about my successes in life, it is about the guilt I have for not being open with them about what really happened when I live alone in Davao.
You, the only person I invested my heart. (Emote) Honestly, after you rejected me even if I didn’t ask anything yet, I already covered myself with chain and afraid to ask anybody anymore. I understand you anyway, I know you want something to happen in your life and you are about to reach that goal so I support you no matter what.
You, who used to be my confidant. I have limited and trusted confidants but only you who consistently broke my broken trust. Every fact about me starts to be an issue because of you. Don’t get me wrong, I understand your personality and what you did is just your thing.
You, who brought me in the other side of the mirror. We were friends, one of the closest. We gave each other’s arm and support to whatever makes us both happy. We enjoyed our time of companionship, the trials, the learning, the vivid exploration. Everything changed when we crossed the line and make me flipped into another face I have. You left first, you also left the questions to me.
You, I know you know it is you. The final trigger. I thought I was strong enough to live in the place where I know I will still saw you because of our circles. You were already erased right after what our alma mater did to us. But you kept on coming across and still crossing the line. It wasn’t healthy at all. The kind of friendship we have is still a big doubt. Maybe I’m just too paranoid or maybe I am having a hard time knowing who really you are. I am already in the point of forgetting what we have but somehow at some point, you are still there.