Here we go again. I’ll probably be gone for a while fixing my mind, again. And I know nobody will notice. Who am I anyway, I just exist if I am useful. See? I hate that part of me when I always think that way. I know I have some real circles but there are few moments when I feel so alone, stuck, and complacent with what I have.
So I’m cutting off social media, for the Nth time. I am in this clustered moment again when I want to shut everything and everyone off, focusing on my own demons, my own world, my own happines and sadness. I am much more comfortable sharing these things here because first, it is easier to type than to write (but writing gives different emotional energy in some ways), and second, I know noone will probably read this anyway so I don’t hesitate to publish my world.
Honestly, I don’t understand these series of ’thinking’ anymore. I mean, I have all the reasons to celebrate because of my small wins but that’s it, even if I am winning, am I not allowed to be sad and emotional? That’s the point. Everyone just saw my wins but I think this ’blog post’ will be the first sign that I am not celebrating. That it is not always ‘rainbows and butterflies’. That I am dealing with anxiety.
You can all blame on the pressure, blame on my strength, my power, my creativity. Those talents I have helps me survive but at the same time, it adds up to my anxiety. People around me won’t probably see my struggles because ‘I’m strong’ anyway. I can solve them myself. And in fact, those circles I have might facing harder problems than me.
So what’s the problem?
Ambot uy, is it just part of my creative process? Na usahay wala kay gana magwork, mag create og something. Totally wasting time scrolling. Daghan man unta kog ideas na gusto buhaton pero wala koy ginabuhat.
But I know myself what’s the solution to this. See? mura kog buang post post dri kabalo man diay ko musulbad sa akong problema, “I’m strong” right? Haha
I do this once a year na mawala lang kog pinakalit online. Saying less than 10 to none words a day. Kanang daghan kaayu kag ginahunahuna na wala naga make sense. Unta lang jud ma master na nakog control akong emotions.
Because you know what. OUR BIGGEST ENEMY IS OUR OWN EMOTIONS.
Kabalo nman cguro mo tanan. pero ambot nako, once ma tarog akong emotional spirit, guba jud tanan plano. Even ending project contracts which is not a good sign.
I have to deal with this. I know so many great things pa na muabot sa kalibutan. Haysss wala koy maka storya mao dri nlang ko nag yawyaw maski walay mubasa ani akong ka OAhan sa life :D
See you later. kung naa man lol