This is a little personal....
The more I stay with my family, the more lonely I become. There is no one I can talk about future plans, ideas, making life a bit better at least. All they know is asking money to live, asking money to survive, asking money to solve their shit. Is life supposed to be this hard to deal?
All I wanted is to have the power to control my decisions, help when I want to help, give when I want to give and I am losing it over with my own parents. How can I own up my decisions without making them feel less as the parents? Are they supposed to tell me what to do in life or what to decide? Are they supposed to be right?
“Honor your father and you mother”, that is what the bible said, part of the 10 commandments to be precised, but can we still honor them if they are making our life to be in bad shape? Are they always right?
You know, this will never be a problem if I just have an ordinary life, average salary, simple and easy. But my life isn’t that, it is great actually, but these problems perhaps the side effect of it. I earn more than an average people in my generation but it turns everything black and white.
You know, it is not the money, it is the unending anxiety and responsibility that I have to take because I have those money. I am not the richest but I am in that position in our family. I always have that extra baggage from them that I have to carry.
None of this will be an issue because they are my family, it is what it is right? That is what families are for, helping each other? None of it will be my issue, not if only I feel happy to be with them, to have them, to be part of them. But no. I don’t feel the bond that I wished we have. I don’t feel the usual family scenario most families have.
Sometimes I doubted myself if I am right to feel all of this but you can’t blame me if I feel always the “left out” child.
It is even weird to think that I am actually a giver to other people, I helped people a lot, and it is natural to me, no questions and no conditions. But when it comes to my own family? Everything is just not right.